EGO - No No !

This one is for you - Raja- My cousin brother who was taken away from us so suddenly that even two years later the ache hasn't dulled. You changed my life by going out of it - and I would always regret not spending time with you when I could have.

Like it is said that a small four letter word – “Love” can make someone’s life heaven the same way an even smaller word “ego” can break so many relations. We know this to be true. We realize it and even advice people about it. Yet when it comes to ourselves we cannot help the show of ego. We may not even realize that it IS ego but that’s what the devil is.

I lost a lot of people to this- three letter evil and never even had the heart to accept that it was ego that spurred me to act in the way I did. Because ego will always justify what you do as right, you will never have the slightest doubt that maybe just maybe somewhere you were to be blamed too.

A small altercation when I was in college had me not going to my uncle’s place for years to come. Even when I shifted to the same city as him I didn’t go. My ego- the one I had pampered and fed – told me I was right in doing this. And then one day, poof! My cousin died in a mountaineering accident. And I was filled with so much remorse and so much rage too. It was not fair. I loved them. My uncle. My cousin brother. Okay! So I had been a bit angry for some time. But I would have gone and I would have managed to put my ego aside someday. But for me that someday had been cruelly snatched away. Now I no longer could tell my brother that I had cared for him. I still cringe when I think how I had in a fit of anger and ego proclaimed that I would never attend his wedding. And now I would actually never.

One can say that was a turning point in my life. It’s not an easy task to simply kill off your ego and become a saint in one day. But I try every day. I don’t want to lose one more person, one more day with someone I like, love just because I have a small bone to pick with them. The right moment may never come you know.

I got back in touch with one who meant a lot to me and whom I gave up simply because of my ego. It felt good to do it. Really! That one mail – which I wrote where in I said sorry and I still care was responded to. No, I did NOT lose my dignity just because I said maybe some of the bitterness was my fault. No, I was not laughed at or ridiculed or remarked “I knew you would come crawling back” ever, like I had imagined in my mind. It just gave me my friend back. Someone who meant a lot, means a lot now, someone I always wanted back and because of EGO never did anything about.

And still, I have my moments when I struggle with my ego. When I have to stifle it down or at least pet it so it goes back to sleep. When I start to feel I am going to lose someone because of this little manufacturing defect of mine, I take notice and correct it. I do and I AM proud of it. And I am telling you now, I don’t even mind being ridiculed or I don’t care if someone says I came crawling back. Life is too short and people whom I love and care for – it’s completely in my hand to keep them in my life. Anything goes wrong in any relationship of mine I am going to definitely make sure it is NOT going to be because of MY ego. That’s a promise I took 2 years back – for you my brother- to whom I could never say how much I did care. So today I do tell my uncle that I am there for him. As a daughter. As a friend too.

So if you have someone in your life whom you have pushed away just because of your ego – and you will know it deep in your heart who that person or persons are- then go ahead and get in touch. It is so not worth it to let ego spoil anything for you. If you care for someone then NOW is the time to let them know. Life may not give you a second chance. So go for it now.